The Bipolar Child: How the Illness Affects the Family

Sherrie Worrell

My nine-year-old niece, Emily, was diagnosed as bipolar at the early age of six. Medically, this disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Bipolar disorder is very difficult to diagnose in children because it is often mistaken for age appropriate emotions and behaviors. The disease itself is considered hereditary, with the risk varying from 15% to 75%, depending on whether one or both parents have the illness.

What exactly is bipolar disorder (BPD)? Bipolar illnesses are a subset of mood disorders, of which major depressive disorder is the most common. Children with major depressive disorder suffer from periods of persistently low and hopeless moods characterized by apathy, poor energy and concentration, sleep disturbances, and thoughts of suicide. These depressive symptoms represent one side of the bipolar spectrum. An individual suffering from BPD experiences dramatic fluctuations of mood: from depressive symptoms to mania or hypomania behavior, involving pathological mood elevations characterized by grandiose thoughts and behaviors, promiscuity, recklessness, agitated and sometimes incoherent speech and thoughts, and a profoundly decreased need for sleep.

In the United States more than two million people are diagnosed as being bipolar. It is not until recently that children have been diagnosed with this illness. According to “About Pediatric Bipolar Disorder,” “a significant proportion of the 3.4 million children and adolescents may actually be experiencing the early onset of bipolar disorder.” It is astounding to learn that so many children are affected by this illness. Although a child’s conduct may cover a wide array of “bad” behaviors, the underlying principle of the diagnosis is that the behaviors violate the basic rights of other people. These are behaviors that are often vicious, and the child typically shows no sign of remorse or guilt for having performed the violent acts.

Not all children with BPD have violent outbursts. However, the expectation of physically explosive and dangerous behavior has, to some extent, stigmatized these children. In addition, critics question whether this syndrome of behavior can really be a BPD if it fails to conform to the symptoms that have long been accepted for adults. That is why it is so important that parents, grandparents, teachers, pastors, and medical professionals pay particular attention to the behaviors children are exhibiting.

In fact, parents of bipolar children are often doing their best while bewildered, exhausted, frustrated, and in some cases, afraid of their own children’s violent impulses. The parents may become isolated from friends and family, who may be judgmental of the child and the parents’ lack of control over their child’s behavior. The parents may be further isolated if they avoid taking the child into public settings that might become the catalyst for a humiliating meltdown. In The Life of a Bipolar Child: What Every Parent and Professional Needs to Know, Trudy Carlson chronicles the life of her son Ben from birth until his suicide at the age of eighteen. Carlson states, “I thought I was alone in my frustration at not being taken seriously when I reported the symptoms my son exhibited” (1).

Families with bipolar children can also find that life at home revolves around the seemingly endless demands and needs of the children. Some children hold their emotions in check at school, but fall apart in the safety and comfort of their own homes. This discrepancy in behavior can lead outsiders, including school personnel and extended family, to assume that faulty parenting is to blame for the children’s difficult behavior at home.

I found this stigma to be very true during my interview with Lisa Rogge, a single mother of two, whose daughter Emily was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Lisa spoke about the perception of not being able to control her child. Many people, including friends and loved ones, told Lisa that she needed to be more stern with her daughter, and that she was using the illness as an excuse for her daughter’s unruly behavior. It wasn’t until Lisa moved back to her parents’ home that her parents fully understood the complexity of the situation. As Lisa stated, “Many people thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Then they met the mountain!”

When asked how she felt when she got upset, Emily stated she wasn’t exactly sure how she felt other than out of control. Emily’s mother, though, gave an excellent scenario:

“Imagine if the sound of the kids in the next classroom, the hardness of the chair, the scratching of the tag in the back of your shirt, the flickering florescent bulb, and your teacher talking all hits your brain at the same force and ‘volume.’ Emily has no way to ignore all the extra things and listen just to the teacher. There are no ‘filters’ to help separate everything. This also explains why it is so difficult for bipolar children to process what they hear, such as directions or following a conversation. The message gets into the brain, but then it doesn’t know where to go. Or, if it does get to the right place, that place doesn’t know how to process the information and it gets lost.”

Emily’s grandparents noted that, as an infant, Emily did not like to be wrapped tightly in a blanket or to be held too close. As she has grown up, Emily still doesn’t like to be constrained. For Emily’s grandparents, the most difficult challenge in helping to raise Emily has been trying to understand how they can help their granddaughter the most. Medication does help with the mood swings and acts of rage, but keeping that medication balanced is very hard to do with any child who is constantly growing. The disease has also taken an emotional toll on both grandparents. A strict schedule of meals, study time, bath, and bedtime must be adhered to at all times. What happens when Emily is told that she cannot do something? That old phrase “all hell breaks loose” becomes the reality. There is usually screaming, yelling, crying, and slamming of doors, while at the same time trying to keep everyone and everything else calm. Her grandfather said that the hardest thing for him has been learning a new kind of patience. There have been times when Emily’s condition has caused conflict between him and his wife, and with his daughter-especially when it comes to disciplining Emily. Both grandparents agree that they worry about how their granddaughter is doing in school and what they can do to help. They are also concerned about the effects Emily’s actions will have on her younger brother.

According to “Bipolar Disorder,” “bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that currently has no cure. Staying on treatment, even during well times, can help to keep the disease under control and reduce the chance of having recurrent, worsening episodes.” So, how does BPD affect the family? It takes the entire family to help raise and understand the bipolar child, or any child for that matter. You take the good days, as many or as few as there are, and enjoy them to the fullest. When the bad days set in, you have to focus and remember it is a disease and separate it from what the child’s normal behavior would be in the situation. Praise the child for the good things and continually remind the child not to use the disease as a crutch or an excuse for individual actions. A bipolar child has to learn to control actions and to know right from wrong. It is a very fine line to follow. BPD is something that can divide a family very easily, if the family lets it happen. Successfully raising a bipolar child boils down to two key components: education and consistency.

 

Works Cited

“About Pediatric Bipolar Disorder.” Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation. 27 Oct. 2002. 19 Jun. 2006. <http://www.bpkids.org/site/PageServer? pagename=lrn_about>.

Carlson, Trudy. The Life of a Bipolar Child: What Every Parent and Professional Needs to Know. Duluth: Benline, 2000.

Rogge, Lisa. Personal interview. 16 Jun. 2006. 17 Jun. 2006.

Rogge, Marvin and Marian. Personal interview. 16 Jun. 2006. 17 Jun. 2006.

Spearing, Melissa. “Bipolar Disorder.” National Institute of Mental Health. NIH Publication No. 3679. 2002. 09 May 2006. 24 Jun. 2006. <http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/NIMHbipolar.pdf&gt;.

Eye Movement Integration Therapy

Eye Movement Integration Therapy:  The Comprehensive Clinical Guide

(for a shorter, more introductory description click here )

Over the years many people have asked us to explain the differences between EMI and EMDR. Here in the context of reviewing the new book on EMI, Graham Dawes makes explicit the origins and history of both forms of eye movement therapy.

by Danie Beaulieu, Ph.D.

Reviewed by Dr Graham Dawes

With this book, Danie Beaulieu has taken the NLP literature to a new level. Many psychotherapists in the NLP community have long wished for an NLP book they could comfortably share with their mainstream colleagues. Here is one that should pace mainstream expectations. It is scholarly in the best of senses, evincing a measured and meticulous thoroughness (every bit as comprehensive as it claims) whilst still being a pleasure to read. Quite a combo.

Eye Movement Integration (EMI) was developed by Connirae and Steve Andreas in 1989 to treat traumatic memories. Though it must have featured in their many NLP trainings of the time it was, to my knowledge, only available to a wider public through a demonstration videotape of Steve at the Ericksonian Brief Therapy Conference of 1993. Consequently, it might have pretty much blipped out of existence had not Danie Beaulieu, with the Andreases’ blessing, made it her mission to give what she considers a method “as important as the advent of penicillin” a wider public presence. (Yes, the bit about penicillin may be uncharacteristically excessive, but Dr Beaulieu clearly sees EMI as far more than just another NLP technique.)

Though eye movements have been indelibly linked to NLP, with the eye movement chart as the NLP icon, their importance has lain primarily in what they can tell us about someone else’s experience rather than in how they can be used to assist that person. There are some counter-examples: intentional use of eye movement was advocated in early texts on strategy installation; long ago, Grinder recommended eye movement drills to increase the sensory system flexibility of practitioners; and more recently, doubtless influenced by NLP, enthusiasts for one of the energy therapies (BSFF) created a process which applies its treatment to all eye positions (called iSt9x9). Nonetheless, eye movements have generally been considered more part of the information gathering and access phase than of the change process itself.

For most people the therapeutic use of eye movements is associated not with NLP but with Francine Shapiro’s Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). That method, though, favors rapid lateral movements while EMI uses much slower movements designed to connect all the eye positions. The importance of connecting all eye positions is based on the NLP theory that the various movements of the eyes access different sensory systems and, therefore, different areas of neurology. Added to this is the EMI assumption that a traumatic experience remains unintegrated in a person’s life precisely because it is isolated, both in their neurology and in their thinking. The principle behind EMI is that “all the relevant multisensory dimensions” are required for full integration of the disturbing experience and thus the aim of the eye movements is to create “new linkages between different types of sensory, affective, or cognitive information.” The result does not extinguish the memory of what happened but it does strip off the emotional charge that was causing all the problems.

Danie Beaulieu was present at Steve Andreas ‘ demonstation to that Ericksonian Foundation Brief Therapy Conference ten years ago. She saw him work with a Vietnam veteran plagued by flashbacks. Though the man is not all that expressive it is clear enough that these flashbacks are very disturbing, yet at the end of 45 minutes of guided eye movements he says of the tracers, arcing over the battlefield of his internal imagery, that “they are pretty.” Dr Beaulieu, who had not had an NLP training at the time, was left puzzled and frustrated. She didn’t know why what had happened had happened.

In addition, Steve implied that the audience members (clinicians all) could go off and do this themselves with the benefit of his handouts. As Dr Beaulieu puts it, “From my training, I was used to absorbing a good five hundred hours of theoretical information before putting it into practice.” That makes her frustration understandable.

But it became a fruitful frustration, and much to our benefit as it seems to have motivated her investigative plunge into EMI. Additionally, the rigours of her prior therapeutic training doubtless encouraged the thoroughness of her pursuit and the care with which she elaborates the EMI process for the reader.

On the videotape, Steve says that what he does is very different from EMDR. One difference he mentions is that “She [Francine Shapiro] puts it in a whole treatment context. I don’t.” Dr Beaulieu, however, does put it in a whole treatment context (and, as a measure of her thoroughness, she also took training in EMDR to permit a contrastive analysis with that method). It’s all there in the book, the whole treatment context from soup to nuts. All that’s missing is the experiential element, which doesn’t fit between book covers, and that she provides in training workshops.

Additionally, there are two substantial sections: one on the nature of trauma, and the other on the research literature that hints at the mechanisms behind EMI. Both are excellent expositions, and her discourse on trauma could be recommended to any clinician regardless of their treatment preferences.

Historically, the extension of the term “trauma,” and its range of application, has taken it from a rarity to a commonality. Initially, the concept of a psychological trauma was reserved for when something quite out of the ordinary had been visited upon its victim, by Nature or by other people. More recent is the label of PTSD, with its list of diagnostic criteria. But the recognition has also spread that much less extraordinary circumstances can have lasting and problematic consequences; indeed, that the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune which even the most ordinary life is heir to can leave disturbances in their wake, which mimic, to a degree, the sequelae of PTSD. Dr Beaulieu embraces this broader view of trauma when she defines it as “any experience that leaves an imprint that continues to give rise to negative effects and recurrrences in one or more of the sensory, emotional or cognitive systems.” It is for the full range of such conditions, from flaming trauma to simmering pique, that she counts EMI the most effective remedy she has found.

The wide-ranging application she proposes for EMI is not unfamiliar in NLP. From the early NLP days it was recognized that the much-vaunted phobia cure (in its various guises) was useful for a great many more conditions of distress and discomfort than would meet a clinical definition of phobia. When things trouble us, or there is hindrance to our designs, there will usually be an emotional component lessening our ability to resolve them. Dr Beaulieu makes a good case for the effectiveness of EMI in such instances. This suggests the method could take its place as a major component of NLP, as well as being a major contribution, from the NLP field, to the psychotherapeutic community at large. This is clearly what Dr Beaulieu would hope and, in her book, she does all she could have to realize that hope.

Dr Beaulieu’s achievement is so impressive it seems mealy-mouthed to be picky about this or that, but what’s a critical review without a cavil or two. So here goes: In the section on how to establish a resource state anchor, Dr Beaulieu gives five questions designed to help the client access a resource state. These could be better constructed, usually by switching to an injunctive mode. For instance, the first such question, “Was there a time when you had a distinct feeling of hope, courage or strength?” opens to consideration the possibility that there was not. The question seems contaminated by obeisance to the social niceties. A question like, “When have you had a distinct feeling of hope, courage or strength?” points its hearer more directly toward the access intended. Concern about a direct question sounding rude is misplaced as it can be mellowed by manner and tonality. (As an aside, Dr Beaulieu introduces a new term, to me at least, when she uses the pleasingly metaphoric “anchorage” to denote a resourceful state triggered through anchoring.)

When the term “submodalities” is first used it is not defined. Subsequent mentions do include examples from which its meaning might be deduced, but the unfamiliar term could, nonetheless, trouble a non-NLP reader. Writing of “reframing,” she gives the (mistaken) impression that the term was an NLP coinage, and compounds this by citing, as its most common usage, what is better known as the V-K Dissociation technique.

To quibble on, the lack of an index will annoy some, though the orderly layout of chapters is such as to make an index fairly redundant. Lastly, an appendix gives us a research article by Dr Beaulieu (a good thing) but no indication of whether or where it was published.

These are all minor matters in what is a substantial work of considerable worth. Danie Beaulieu is a careful writer and gives the impression of being an equally careful clinician. What she has fashioned in this comprehensive book will reward any NLPer interested in personal change, even as it sets a precedent for how to introduce NLP approaches to a mainstream psychotherapy audience. She is to be congratulated.

Dr Graham Dawes was a founding director of the UK Training Centre for NLP (the first NLP training centre outside North America ) and, with David Gordon, developed the Experiential Dynamics approach, of which the best known element is their Experiential Array for modelling.

Jan Prince is a regular member of our training team.  She’ll be with us this summer in the Residential Trainings.

Eye Movement Integration (EMI), developed by Connirae and Steve Andreas, is NLP’s kinder, gentler, more rapid and effective precursor to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. (EMDR).  If you would like a more thorough demonstration and instructions, we recommend the “Eye Movement Integration -DVD” – A Demonstration conducted by Steve Andreas with a Veteran with PTSD. Click Here to find out more and get yours!

Read more: http://www.nlpco.com/library/eye-movement-integration-therapy/#ixzz4MbsUUnDM

How a Narcissist Treats Their Spouse

Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses

If you have clients who are intentionally exploited by their spouses; endure regular insults and rejection, alternating with affirmation; and feel manipulated into doing or saying something out of character, then they might be experiencing abuse.

Abuse is not just physical. There are many other forms of abuse, such as sexual, financial, emotional, mental, and verbal. While some of the other forms of abuse are obvious, mental abuse by a narcissist can be difficult to spot.

It starts simply with a casual comment about anything: color of the wall, dishes in the sink, or the car needing maintenance. The remark is taken out of context by the narcissist to mean that their spouse disapproves of them in some way. She tries to explain that wasn’t her intention, but they are off on a tirade, which ends in your client feeling like she is losing her mind.

How did this happen? Here are several favorite narcissistic mental abuse tactics:

1. Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.
2. Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.
3. The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it.  It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.
4. Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
5. Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.
6. Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.
7. Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.
8. Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

You can teach your clients to memorize these maneuvers, remain silent when they are being used, and end the conversation as soon as possible. This will keep them from being a victim of mental abuse.

Note: This article is written about a narcisstic husband married to a woman but the reverse is also equally valid.

Christine Hammond is the award winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iBooks.

The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard

2013 – Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 607 comments

A relationship with a Narcissist has been compared to being on a roller coaster, with immense highs and immense lows. They have been described as the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, one way one minute, another the next.

People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.

Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others, their emotions are a precarious balance of needing others and needing to be left alone.

Narcissists feel an enormous void inside of them. This void is ever present and the only thing that fills it, is the love and esteem of another. The fix is always temporary though. A Narcissist describes it this way, “It’s like my brain is constantly seeking something. It’s like I’m always chasing a carrot at the end of a stick. Nothing I do satisfies me, at least not for long. I feel like I only do things because I’m supposed to, because society does it. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone.”

Narcissists are completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others. They enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or whatever need they may have. A relationship with a Narcissist always follows three phases, the over-evaluations phase, the devaluation phase and the discard phase.

The Over-evaluation Phase

A Narcissist is very careful when choosing a target. Typically, they will choose a victim based on their status. They must be attractive, popular, rich or extremely gifted in some area. The greater the status, the higher the value the Narcissist places on the Supply derived.

Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.

They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.

The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target) and they can’t believe how lucky they are and that this catch is still single.

What they don’t know, or could ever be prepared for, is what comes next.

The Devaluation Stage

The Over-Evaluation phase, if you’re dealing with a Somatic Narcissist, usually lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months, just long enough for the Narcissist to be confident that they have secured their target’s love and devotion. Unbeknownst to the target, what they were witnessing in the early phase was the Narcissist’s false self. In this second phase, the mask comes off and the Narcissist starts to reveal their true colours.

The shift could be gradual or almost seemingly overnight. Suddenly the attention they so lavishly gave you is gone and replace by indifference and silence. Days or weeks could go by and you won’t hear from them. They don’t return your phone calls, they don’t keep a single promise and you’re starting to suspect that they might be involved with someone else. The target is left baffled and confused and wondering what they did wrong to cause such an abrupt turnaround.

Narcissists become bored easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high they were feeding off of is waning and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there.

They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As the Narcissist withdraws, the target starts to cling and your demands for his attention and your need to understand what’s happening, grate on his nerves. The harder you cling the more the Narcissist pulls away. They start to blame and criticize the target for everything, treating them like an emotional punching bag.

At this point the target is an emotional wreck. The Narcissist has left without any explanation and they can’t figure out how one minute they were put on a pedestal and now it’s like they doesn’t even exist. The Narcissist is a projector and they are projecting their emotional turmoil onto you. They feed off of other people’s misery (as long as it’s caused by them) just as much as they feeds off of your admiration, either way it makes no difference to them.

It is this person, this cruel, indifferent, unfeeling, sadist that is the behind the mask. Most targets desperately try to find the one they fell in love with. What they don’t realize is that that person never existed. They were a facade an act put on by the Narcissist to secure their Supply.

The Narcissist will take no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve treated you or how you are feeling.
Narcissists are not capable of forming normal healthy attachments to people. Those that aren’t familiar with the disorder are completely at a loss to understand how unnecessarily cruel their behavior can be. The target was never more than an object to the Narcissist, whose usefulness is on the decline.

The Narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this I love you, I love you not charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will breeze in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering.

This mind fuck is deliberate and they will keep feeding you crumbs of attention, just enough to keep you emotionally invested and available to cater to their every need.

At some point one of two things will happen: either they will find a new target and begin phase one with them, thus ignoring you completely, or you will have had enough of his psychotic abuse and you will take control and put an end to it, thus ushering In phase three.

The Discard Phase

It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a Narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.

Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult. Once it is over the target is usually an emotional wreck, whose self-esteem has been annihilated by the persistent demeaning behavior, insults and cruelty of the Narcissist. Depending on when they were able to break free, the target maybe a shadow of their former self, with a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild their shattered self-image.

As a victim tries to pick up the pieces, What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain. There was nothing you could have done differently and none of this was your fault. The Narcissist will repeat this pattern with every person, every time, bar none.

All former targets must be vigilantly on guard, because a Narcissist always reserves the right to revisit a former source of supply, no matter how much time has passed or how badly they’ve behaved.

Once you have broken free you must close the door on any and all contact, because if you don’t you’re headed back to a watered down version of Phase One – over and over and over again.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse Lenore Walker (1979) coined of tension building, acting-out, reconciliation/honeymoon, and calm is useful in most abusive relationships. However, when a narcissist is the abuser, the cycle looks different.

Narcissism changes the back end of the cycle because the narcissist is constantly self-centered and unwilling to admit fault.  Their need to be superior, right, or in charge limits the possibility of any real reconciliation. Instead, it is frequently the abused who desperately tries for appeasement while the narcissist plays the victim. This switchback tactic emboldens the narcissist behavior even more, further convincing them of their faultlessness. Any threat to their authority repeats the cycle again.

Here are the four narcissistic cycles of abuse:

• Feels Threatened. An upsetting event occurs and the narcissist feels threatened. It could be rejection of sex, disapproval at work, embarrassment in a social setting, jealousy of other’s success, or feelings of abandonment, neglect, or disrespect. The abused, aware of the potential threat, becomes nervous. They know something is about to happen and begin to walk on eggshells around the narcissist. Most narcissists repeatedly get upset over the same underlying issues whether the issue is real or imagined. They also have a tendency to obsess over the threat over and over.
• Abuses Others. The narcissist engages in some sort of abusive behavior. The abuse can be physical, mental, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual or emotional. The abuse is customized to intimidate the abused in an area of weakness especially if that area is one of strength for the narcissist. The abuse can last for a few short minutes or as long as several hours. Sometimes a combination of two types of abuse is used. For instance, a narcissist may begin with verbal belittling to wear out the abused. Followed by projection of their lying about an event onto the abused. Finally tired of the assault, the abused defensively fights back.
• Becomes the Victim. This is when the switchback occurs. The narcissist uses the abused behavior as further evidence that they are the ones being abused. The narcissist believes their own twisted victimization by bringing up past defensive behaviors that the abused has done as if the abused initiated the abuse. Because the abused has feelings of remorse and guilt, they accept this warped perception and try to rescue the narcissist. This might include giving into what the narcissist wants, accepting unnecessary responsibility, placating the narcissist to keep the peace, and agreeing to the narcissistic lies.
• Feels Empowered. Once the abused have given in or up, the narcissist feels empowered. This is all the justification the narcissist needs to demonstrate their rightness or superiority. The abused has unknowingly fed the narcissistic ego and only to make it stronger and bolder than before. But every narcissist has an Achilles heel and the power they feel now will only last till the next threat to their ego appears.

Once the narcissistic cycle of abuse is understood, the abused can escape the cycle at any point. Begin by coming up with strategies for future confrontations, know the limitations of the abused, and have an escape plan in place. This cycle does not need to continue forward.

Christine Hammond is the award winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iBooks.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxDboi4g5FQ (splashing water)

http://content.yudu.com/Library/A17kw1/EricksonCompleteWork/resources/422.htmd

excellent detail of induction technique