Posted by: faithful | September 24, 2007

the way out of drama

The following matrix was developed by Rhoda Mills Somner in RELATIONSHIP TRIANGLES

Specific Guidelines for Playing VRP Roles VS. How to be a Grown Up
Creating drama and chaos vs. Solving problems
Dodging, deflecting, and blaming others vs. Taking on responsibilities
Denial/pretending vs. Honestly facing painful situations
Making excuses and instigating bad boundaries vs. Maintaining boundaries to have true respect for others
Ignoring damage that has been done and pretending it has nothing to do with you vs. Making amends and recognizing consequences
Maintaining your illusions at all costs vs. Having the courage to become more self aware
Giving yourself too much respect (narcissists) or too little respect (martyrs) vs. Balancing both respect for others and yourself
Letting drama rule vs. Letting integrity/character rule
“I know what’s best for both of us” vs. No one has a market on truth-it always lies in between people
Creating doubt in the other person vs. Seeing what hard truths the other person may have to teach you
Assuming others are there to be an audience vs. Realizing what happens between people is unknown, not orchestrated
Thinking in simple terms of Right/Wrong, Good/Bad vs. Recognizing complexity
Manipulating others, which is a shell game that ends up hollow vs. Using your heart and head together to be more emotionally honest with others
Trying to have it both ways vs. Facing sacrifice
Taking the easy way vs. Knowing the right thing to do is the hard thing to do
Monologue vs. Dialogue
Short-term thinking vs. Long-term thinking
Manipulating/Controlling vs. Negotiating

Note:  One of the realities of reducing game behavior is that one is often perceived as a persecutor when they stop the game behavior:  the persecutor role, then, becomes the escape hatch through which we must psychologically travel to leave the game experience behind.

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